I think this could be one of those worse new year which I would ever experience.
Till now, I don’t have the new year mood.. and I have been feeling very emotional for several weeks..
I’ve gotten MC during this first month of the year and ironically, I did not take a single day of MC in 2011.
What happened?
I would like to know too..
I don’t know if it’s because I am slow in adapting or this is just not the kind of scenario which I have imagined to be wonderful and good..
I have been thinking through during my journey home today, and I realized that my basic necessity is not met.
I don’t know if I am demanding for too much attention or it’s just too quiet for me here..
There isn’t enough interaction as it is, and yet things have to be worse.
In office, it’s cold enough, and the same goes for me here.. the only better is that, I do not need to serve my clients and entertain them on the phone and their demands.. I can watch tv.. watch as much tv as all I want.. and there is no interaction.. my needs not met, my wants not reached.. think through my head and no one can help me with any construction solution at times.. there are only 2 persons but to me, most of the time, I feel alone..
I saw 1 client today, and I chatted with him for so long.. somehow, he faces similar problem as I do and similar struggles as I do.. I can truly understand how it is like when you go back to a home but you feel so alone.. there are 4 of them there but everyone of them do their own individual thing, even when he is sick, he will see doctor and take his own medication. His mother does not cook porridge for him, and to me, it is a very very sad thing, although it is just a gesture of cooking a meal, it means a lot to me.. that is equivalent to stay alone isn’t it?
Maybe my home has been a very closely knitted and bonded one, that I am totally not used to other kind of family culture, which I have to actually adopt as my own. Think of what I am doing now? And compare it to a individualist, how does it feels? I began to reflect..
Although at times, I do really like to have some time alone, after work I would definitely like to share my problems, grievances, complaints etc to someone close to me.. not a matter of seeking solution, but just an avenue to release emotions and relieve stress..
I used to be able to lunch alone, in order to have some peace.. now, I can actually do it twice a day, which I don’t quite like the idea..
What the client said today, I am pretty worried that I would be like him. As much as I would like to quit and take a break, I am worried of the repercussion of just wanting to take a short break. I wont eliminate a possibility of suffering from a real depression.
What kind of home or family would you consider it to be, if there is no communication?
After so long, I think I have made a mistake this time. I shouldn’t have agreed to this decision made 4 year plus back. I see the repercussion now... and I didn’t know this has such big impact for me..
I think I can’t last long.. last time I managed to survive because of strong family support and outlet which I could vent out to.. now I cant even fend for myself.. how to help others?
Deep down of course, I hope this is all temporary.. and things would get better.. but I wont know what are the chances..
Who else could I pour out to? This is just like what client are experiencing.. so I fully understand..

A different Oct.. after almost 30 years..

apprehensive.. and fresh.. though not very excited..

hope i can smile happily that day..

saw some friends jotting their thoughts again in xanga.. quite glad.. the familiar kind of friendship seemed there.. invisible kind of bonding which diminishes as we grow older..

listening to songs of 10 years back brings back fond memories and feelings..

Enjoy..

 

 

It says on my blog -> 2 months and 14 days.

which means i have 2 months and 13 days more to stay in my current flat and with that, it's kinda of sad..

it's a difficult feeling, exciting, yet sad and the idea of leaving my parents here in the old flat, after my mum especially, is doing so much, just for that day and when that day eventually comes, i'll be taken away :( dont know what kind of feeling is this ..? or what kind of thought is this..

Suddenly feels like eating soup spoon.. after no food craving for so long..

Been so busy throughout all the weekends since April 2011.. so much decision made over the past months..

Just settled our curtains yesterday and i am rather glad that we have been efficient this week.. 2 big items checked off the list and probably, the priority should be shifted to our wedding preparations..

So tired at work.. as usual, no mood to work.. still trying to search for my interest..